Joshua,
I know I have to be strong but I don't know how to live in a world without you in it.
You were the only one who ever understood what it was like to be raised by our parents. The only one who had literally been through the trenches of our childhood with me. It's not fair to say, but I feel like you've abandoned me.
But the pain that I feel right now is nothing compared to the pain you must have felt every day being in a world you felt did not understand you. You had so many demons, my dear brother.
Demons that made you forget the amazing person you were.
Demons that made you think that you couldn't change the trajectory of your life.
Demons that made you think that you needed to numb yourself to everything that life had to offer.
I have always been a person that says that "everything happens for a reason" but I cannot find the reason in this. I will never get over losing you this way. I think about all the life you had left to live. The birthdays to celebrate, the love you would find, the children you would have, the memories we would make together. I think about the fact that your niece won't remember who you were. These are the thoughts that kill me the most.
I would give anything for one more day with you.
One more day to remind you how much I love you.
One more day to hear you tell an inappropriate joke.
One more day to squeeze you with all my might.
One more day to love you as you are and not as who I wanted you to be.
This world has lost an incredible soul. Just like dad, you would have done anything and everything for anyone who meant something to you. Your generosity was unconditional and unfortunately too many people took advantage of that. I hope that the people who you brought into your life know how lucky they were to be able to know you. I hope that they will pay your kindness forward and keep your memory alive with every story they tell. I hope that you and dad have been reunited and are catching up on old times.
But above all, I hope that wherever you are now that you are at peace.
Rest in paradise, baby brother. I'll love you forever, Mr. G.
Love,
Your big sister.