ONE YEAR.
It's still so insane to me that I'm Lina's mom. Even after a year of being in the trenches of motherhood, it still hits me every once in a while -- I'M MAMA. How wild is that?
I can still remember so vividly how I felt the morning after she was born -- once the adrenaline wore off (and all the drugs, let's be honest). I remember feeling so lost and like I would never get the hang of this. Chris, my husband, was such a natural and I remember feeling so jealous of how easily he knew how to do everything. I remember not feeling that instant love that everyone talks about (and I spent many sleepless nights that first week wondering if I made a huge mistake).
But here we are, a full year later, and I can still confidently say... I AM OBSESSED WITH MY DAUGHTER but I still have no idea what I'm doing (haha). Parenthood is weird like that -- once you finally think you've got the hang of it, your child goes through a new milestone and you're right back to square one, figuring it all out again. For the control freak in me, this has been the biggest lesson this past year (one I am still continuously learning).
So today I am met with mixed emotions as Lina heads off to daycare for her first full day and I'm left at home, 3 weeks before I officially return to work. I had a moment of thinking -- so what do I do now? The routine of mothering has been one that I have perfected over these last 365 days -- naps, diapers and feedings all accounted for. The slowness of our mornings together (just the two of us) before Chris or Logan would wake will now be spent getting her ready to be cared for by someone other than me. If I'm honest, I feel both relief and sadness. Sadness, of course, in the way that I will miss all the little nuances of her day and seeing her learn new things. Relief, in the way that I will now not be the only one responsible for shaping her little mind and that I will have some time FOR ME.
Mothering Lina has been the biggest blessing but it has also come at a cost. When you have a little one who is so dependent on you, you can't be there for yourself in the same way you once were. I am fortunate to have a partner who believes in sharing the physical load of parenthood with me, but it still doesn't make up for the invisible load of motherhood. The time that you spend thinking about all the things they need --
When were they last changed?
When did they last nap?
Do we have enough food for them?
When should we switch them out of their car seat into a larger seat?
What new foods should I be feeding them/are they getting enough?
When should I stop breastfeeding/when should we switch from formula?
How will they be cared for when I go back to work?
The list could definitely go on, but I'll spare you the laundry list -- if you're a mom, you know it all too well. Having someone else to share this invisible load with allows you to reclaim some of that space for you -- to fill it with thoughts and feelings that are for you and you alone. Because it's so important to remember that one year ago today two people were born -- your baby and you, their mom.
So if you have a little one nearing their first year of life, remember that even though everyone will be celebrating them (you included), it's important to take a step back and think about all of the actions, sacrifices, the laughs, the tears and everything in between that it took to get them to this point. You did that, mama -- and it's definitely something worth celebrating.