As I write this article, I'm 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I've lost count of the messages I have received asking me if the baby has arrived or "how I'm feeling" (which I know is just code for.. "has the baby arrived yet?"). For any woman who has been pregnant and had it go past their due date, you can relate. For those who haven't yet or never will - I'm envious of you.
My cousin, Lindsey, shared an article with me a couple days ago which really put into words what I've been feeling as I arrived closer and closer to the birth of my daughter. In the article, the author, Jana Studelska, talks about the concept of the time in between (or the time of zwischen as the German's call it). Right now I am straddling the time in between my life as I have come to know it for the last 31 years and the time where my identity will forever change.
While the majority of a woman's time pregnant is focused on the birth of her child, society does not really talk about the other really important part of the equation - the birth of a mother. For the last 10 months, I have been so focused on getting things ready for the arrival of my baby, that I have not really had a chance to think about the mother that I want to be for her or what this will mean for me and my other relationships.
A few years before I even thought about having a child of my own, I remember seeing a TED Talk by Alexandra Sacks where she talks about the Transition to Motherhood. She talks about the term "matrescence" which was coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973). If you've never heard of this term, you're not alone. If you're wondering why it sounds a lot like adolescence, it's because this time in a woman's life is a lot like this transition.
What is Matrescence?
According to Aurélie Athan, Ph.D., "it is a developmental passage where a woman transitions through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, to the postnatal period and beyond...and can be likened to the developmental push of adolescence."
The most important concept to highlight is the idea of the push and pull that women will feel when transitioning into this new phase of their life. The pull to their new baby and the push of wanting to hold onto their own identity and the discomfort this creates. Sacks highlights that most people find it hard to live within this push and pull and that we need to talk more about it in order to allow women to understand that it's normal and not necessarily the presence of disease.
What is Postpartum Depression?
The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) describes postpartum depression (PPD) as a depression which usually starts within the first month after childbirth and can last weeks to months.
Signs and symptoms include;
depressed mood or depression with anxiety
anhedonia, which involves a loss of interest in things that would normally bring pleasure, including the baby
changes in weight or appetite, which may involve gaining or losing weight
sleep disturbance and fatigue—common symptoms of depression but very difficult to gauge, since both are normal for new mothers
physical feelings of being slowed down or restlessness, jumpiness and edginess
excessive feelings of guilt or worthlessness, which can be exacerbated by not bonding with the baby, when feelings of extreme joy and love are expected
diminished concentration and inability to think clearly, which can be worsened by sleep deprivation
recurrent thoughts of death or suicide. For example, the woman may catch herself thinking that the baby and she are better off dead, or that “the world is such an awful place to bring a new child into that we would be better out of it.
What is most important to acknowledge is that most mothers will resist talking about these signs and symptoms because of the pressure they receive from society to be seen as a "good mother". I think it even goes beyond this idea of wanting to be a "good mother" to the idea that our society values the emotion of happiness over the more messy ones - sadness, ambivalence and even anger.
This morning I was listening to a podcast episode by my dear friend, Erin, where she was talking about honouring our emotions and it really hit home with me (PS, you should go check it out and subscribe to her channel - Feel at Home with Erin Chiarelli). In it she talks about "the big lie" where we have been conditioned to filter down our emotions - to make them more palatable for others. To ensure that we are never too much. For those who know me well, sugarcoating my emotions or feelings is not something I have ever really done and I think if there is one thing that I will take with me into my transition into motherhood is that I never will.
So as I continue my transition into motherhood, and impatiently wait for the arrival of my baby girl, I will use this time to think of the other non negotiables that I will bring into my new identity. My hope is that by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of this push and pull, that I will validate my own experience but also help to validate the experiences of others who might not feel strong enough to do it on their own. And this starts with answering honestly to the question "how are you feeling?"