There is nothing more divisive and anxiety inducing than talking about baby sleep. If you have had a baby in the last couple of years, you know what I’m talking about. The beauty of the internet is that as parents, we have a plethora answers and advice at our finger tips—unfortunately, it’s usually extremely conflicting and the amount you have to sift through is a tad overwhelming. That and the highlight reel of social media has many parents talking about how AMAZING their babies are sleeping (and even sometimes you have more honest ones talking about how SHITTY theirs are sleeping) but you generally don’t have anyone talking about what they’re doing in order to get their babies to sleep. Which leaves you feeling alone on an island with no one to really talk to about your struggles (or even your triumphs).
Methods of sleep
I am fortunately (and sometimes unfortunately) married to a man who has had a baby before—who is now 16 years old and a thriving teenager. So when I say that things have changed a little in the last couple of years, they really have. Rocking and feeding to sleep? Well didn’t you know that’s a sleep crutch? How will your baby ever learn to sleep independently if you do those things? I’ve definitely felt like a failure for having used those methods for getting Lina to sleep because I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong. With his first, my husband rocked and drove around in his car in order to get his son to sleep. His previous partner had a child before theirs and probably had different ways of getting her to sleep. All to say—every child is different and the methods you use to get your child to sleep will probably be different too. There is no one way to do it. As long as you are all getting some sleep, that is the main goal.
For the first 7 months of Lina's life, she had an array of ways we got her to sleep—I fed her to sleep, she was rocked to sleep, worn to sleep, she co-slept and she would even sleep on the go (in a stroller normally or the car). These days, she is sleeping in a crib in her own room that she is placed into awake. Right now this seems to be working for us but if I have learned anything in the last 7 months it is that things can change rather quickly with a baby and you really just have to roll with it. This realization has been really fun for the control freak in me (haha!).
Sleep accessories
And just like the "methods" have changed, so too have the accessories needed to get your child to sleep. Sleep sacks, sound machines, black out curtains/blinds, nothing in the crib, baby monitors—this is the "way" you do it now. I will not tell you how many uncomfortable conversations I have had with family members (and even my own husband) about the fact that they did things differently than is expected today.
"Well, you had a pillow and a blanket in your crib and you survived"
"But she looks so lonely in that crib without anything in it with her"
"You have to get her used to sleeping in the light and with sound otherwise she'll never be able to sleep anywhere else"
"Don't put that sleep sack on her—that's so silly"
Any time I explained about the "accessories" (or the lack of) we were using for Lina to get to sleep, I was met with the comments above. Explaining how we were going about her sleep to well meaning family, it almost felt as though they felt we were attacking or shaming the way they parented us. To be clear, I don't think that my mom or anyone's parents who used blankets or pillows or stuffed animals in the crib were being negligent parents—there just wasn't enough information about the dangers those things can cause for some children. Could Lina sleep with a blanket in her crib without suffocating to death? Probably. Do I want to take that chance? No, not really.
Resources for sleep
Recently I was listening to a podcast called The Mom Room Podcast and she had a guest on who wrote a book called Baby Unplugged. She was mentioning that we are currently living in an era where we feel the need to measure EVERYTHING. With millions of different apps and gadgets, we can basically track every output our child has from birth—feeding, sleeping and even pooping and peeing. It’s kind of insane, if you think about it. And yet, I am one of those moms. In my defense (and the defense of parents who do this), I blame the hospital and my midwife for asking us to track these things when she was born. Albeit, once they reach their birth weight, you really don’t have to keep tracking them, but that didn’t stop me for longer than I care to admit. But once I stopped tracking her outputs, I started tracking her sleep and, you guys, I have become OBSESSED with her sleep.
In order to track Lina’s sleep, I have been using an app called Huckleberry. What I love about this app is that it provides you with wake windows and tells you when the “sweet spot” is for the next nap/bedtime. Using this app has been a blessing and a curse though. On one hand, it’s nice to not have to do mental math in my head about how many hours it’s been since Lina’s last nap (or how many she has taken already) but on the other, I do sometimes feel like I have become a slave to the app. Rather than looking to Lina and reading her cues, I spent a lot of time having the app tell me when she needed to go down, only to have her completely fight me on her nap (because she wasn’t tired yet or she was overtired). These apps are great—but they should not take the place of reading your baby. This is something I am still working on.
In addition to the app, I have also been following a sleep coaching company called The Happy Sleep Company on Instagram. Through this account, I have learned many helpful tips and tricks to set Lina (and myself) up for success when it comes to her sleep. Erin, the founder of the company, also has a podcast called Sleep Cues which I listen to on my walks with Lina (while she's napping). Being a first time mom to a newborn, I definitely think that their advice has helped us create good sleep habits for Lina and I highly recommend them to any parents looking to create better sleep for their babies and family.
Sleep and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA)
“Is Lina sleeping through the night yet” This is the question that EVERYONE wants to know. It is also the question that has given me so much anxiety the last 8 months. Anyone who has had a newborn baby knows that sleep is an elusive term and I swear whoever invented the advice “sleep when the baby sleeps” or the saying “sleeping like a baby” never had any children. On top of that, when your baby isn't sleeping through the night, you can't help but feel like you're a failure.
The first couple of weeks and months of Lina’s life was pure survival mode—feeding round the clock and trying to sleep as much as I could in the pockets of time that I had. However, what no one really talks about (and I did a lot of Google searching) was the constant anxious feeling you have when your child is FINALLY sleeping. When Lina goes down for sleep, I am that mom who has her eyes glued to the monitor. I don’t know why I do it. I am aware it is irrational and yet, I can’t stop.
I even mustered up the courage to talk to my doctor about how I was doing this and her answer, “Oh, ya. That’s super normal for all first time parents. Unless it’s interfering with your life, you don’t really need to worry about it”. But what does “interfering with my life” really mean? To this day, I am that crazy person who is telling the other members of our household to “shhhh”, to make sure the TV is not too loud, to make sure they don’t slam any doors. Guys, I even went as far as to oil the door hinges with PAM. I think we can all agree that this is probably what she meant by “interfering with your life”.
But why does no one talk about this?
When we were getting ready for Lina’s arrival, why did no one say “Hey, congratulations on the new baby and once she’s here, watch out if you become a crazy person—that’s something you might want to keep an eye on and maybe get professional help for”. But no, instead people ask "are they sleeping through the night yet?".
When it comes to sleep, can we all just agree to stop asking new moms this and instead ask, “Hey, have you reached spraying PAM on all the door hinges level of crazy yet? No? That's great—you're doing an awesome job, mama! Yes? You should definitely talk to your doctor”.