This post is part 1 of my breastfeeding series. To read part 2, click here.
During my pregnancy, whenever anyone would ask me about my plans to feed my child, I would always answer, "Oh, breastfeeding, of course! As long as I'm able to and don't have any issues."
The issues I was alluding to were the ones that I had become familiar with through friends and family; Mastitis and the baby not latching on properly due to a tongue tie. What I naively failed to understand is that there are many more issues that could arise when you begin breastfeeding your newborn baby;
Sore or cracked nipples. Sore nipples usually happens because your baby is not well positioned and attached at the breast
Not enough breast milk
Too much breast milk
Breast engorgement
Baby is not latching on properly, in general
Blocked milk ducts
These issues, coupled with the learning curve that breastfeeding requires, it's no wonder why a lot of new moms either feel overwhelmed, disinterested or decide to give up entirely on the idea.
Before actually having to breastfeed, all I had ever heard about breastfeeding was how "magical" and "important" it was for the health of your baby. "The baby will know what to do" was another one that I remember hearing regularly whenever the topic would come up. I also had a few friends who had babies and the topic of breastfeeding rarely, if ever, came up. Now, looking back, I'm not sure if this is because I didn't ask - or know to ask - or whether or not my friends didn't want to talk about breastfeeding with someone who wouldn't really understand what they were going through since I wasn't having to experience it for myself. Either way, I couldn't really tell you which of my friends breastfed versus the ones who didn't (with few exceptions).
So when I found out I was pregnant, I just assumed that I would breastfeed and that it would come naturally. After all, that's what I had been told and none of my friends really told me otherwise.
My breastfeeding journey
On February 7th, 2021, I gave birth to a baby girl by Cesarean (C-section). The hospital where I gave birth, The Montfort Hospital in Ottawa, Ontario, has a long history of being very pro-breastfeeding. A quick trip down any hallway in the hospital, you will see posters about the benefits of breastfeeding and why it's preferred. This preference towards breastfeeding made it so it was the only option during my stay in the hospital unless it was medically necessary to have formula instead.
Due to this preference for breastfeeding over formula feeding, the nurses would routinely ask when they visited my room, every four hours, whether or not I need assistance with breastfeeding. Since I wasn’t too sure whether or not my daughter was getting enough food from my breast - because it’s hard to gauge whether or not they’re actually drinking or just sucking on your boob - every time they would ask, I would say that everything was good and I didn’t need help. What I failed to understand was that she wasn’t latching properly and that I would need more assistance in order to help her continue to drink from my breast after we left the hospital. Not only that but it would also be difficult to continue to feed her during our two day stay in the hospital.
Since I was recovering from the C-section, I was basically stuck in bed for those two days. Chris was therefore responsible for all baby care duties including diaper changes, calming down the baby by walking her around the room, and bringing her to me in order for me to feed her. My only job, at this point, was to be the food supply for her. Chris had to watch me struggle to feed our daughter and not be able to provide any techniques or advice that he might have had from his previous experience with his son, Logan, as he wasn't responsible for feeding him either. Because of this, he also felt helpless in terms of assisting me to feed our daughter as well as encourage me to seek help from the nurses who attended to us. So in the wee hours of our final day in the hospital, he finally pleaded with me to ask for help.
This request triggered a breakdown for me. Now, not only was I only responsible for one thing - I wasn't even able to actually do that one thing right and I would have to ask someone to show me what I was doing wrong. For those who know me well, I am a very independent person - I am always willing to lend a hand to others but I am rarely, if ever, comfortable asking for help myself. Now, I would not only have to ask someone for help, but it would be a complete stranger and, up until this point, I assumed that everyone else was in on this breastfeeding secret, but me.
"What was wrong with me?"
"Why couldn't I figure it out?"
"The baby is supposed to know what to do - am I the problem?"
"Are my nipples too big for her mouth?"
"Is she scared of my boob because it's literally bigger than her head?"
"Why is everyone else able to do this, but me?"
Since we were stuck in our rooms, due to COVID, the only way to call the nurse back was to use the button beside my bed. It took all the strength I had, between very embarrassing tears, to press it. We would wait for hours for that call to be answered by the nurse (apparently either I didn't press the button hard enough or it wasn't actually working) but it literally felt like an eternity. It felt like an eternity of sitting in a room with my husband, a man who had literally been looking after keeping our daughter alive with every other need she had, except this one. A man who, I felt, in that moment was so disappointed with me, my non functioning boobs and my inability to ask for help.
When the nurse finally showed up for her scheduled round, she was able to help me with a few different techniques that I could do from the hospital bed. Due to my large chest size and the C-section, she suggested that the Football Hold would be the easiest for me. It worked wonderfully. I was able to prop up pillows to make it easier for her to rest on them. I finally felt like I was getting the hang of it. The challenge would come when we left the hospital and I could no longer use the hospital bed and pillows.
Since I had to have a C-section, coming home and resuming my normal routine would be challenged. In our house, we have many stairs leading up to the bedroom areas and downstairs to the basement and laundry room. This meant that for the next 6 weeks, I would have to rely on both my husband and my stepson to do many of the things I have been used to doing for the last 6 years we have lived in our house as I couldn’t lift anything heavier than my daughter. Not only that, but since we had so many stairs, I would need to choose a floor to station myself on for the majority of the day as going up and down would not be ideal for my recovery.
Why was this so problematic? Since I had learned how to breastfeed in bed with pillows, this would not be as easily replicated on my couches in the living room. That, in addition to not really being able to go anywhere for privacy (both from my neighbours - as we have a huge window in the front of our house - and also from my stepson), I was feeling very awkward about pulling out my boobs in the front room of my house. When you’re first learning how to breastfeed, the last thing you want to be worrying about are onlookers. You literally have enough shit to worry about in that moment;
“Am I supporting her head enough?”
”Is she latched properly?”
”Is she actually getting enough milk?”
”When do I know she’s done eating?”
Now I know that a lot of people reading this might say that showing my stepson that breastfeeding is natural and nothing to be ashamed of is the route that we should be taking, and although I do agree with you, it is still an adjustment that we will need to make with time. The bottom line is that no teenage boy wants to see their stepmother’s boobs - with our without a baby attached to them. End of story.
As I write this, we are now on day 10 of my daughter’s entrance into this world. Her and I have engaged in countless breastfeeding sessions since then - some great, some less than so. Over the last week, we have definitely gotten into a good routine and groove that I’m hoping we can continue to carry going forward. In addition to regular breastfeeding, I was also able to find a manual breast pump that I have been using to supplement some of the feedings and to take out excess supply that she might not finish. So far, this is working for us. Could this change over time? Absolutely. I think what I'm learning from this experience is that everything motherhood related, breastfeeding included, will require surrendering, humility and grace. And I'm finally starting to learn that that's ok.
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Now I want to hear from you! Do/did you breastfeed your child/children? Did you have any issues? What advice would you give to a new mom starting out with their breastfeeding journey?