Well, friends, it's been a little over a month since my brother's passing. Through the planning of the funeral and putting my investigative skills to good use trying to find and piece together his life, I blinked and we are already the middle of August. If you've ever been the executor of an estate, you know what I'm talking about. Take this as friendly advice to make sure your shit is in order so you don't overwhelm the poor schmuck you put in charge of yours. You're welcome, future executor!
If you have had the unfortunate fate of experiencing the loss of a close family member, you will understand the feeling I'm talking about. You have been busy with so many things -- closing accounts, contacting friends and family, making arrangements -- but what you have not really had the time for is to check in with you and see how you are doing with the whole thing.
This is where I'm currently at. I haven't really had the time to just be and to check in with me.
So today, as I was puttering around my home office looking for a book to bring with me for my spa day I planned in the middle of the week (this is your sign to book an impromptu spa day just because -- you deserve it!), I stumbled upon a book that Chris, my husband, and Logan, my stepson, got me for Christmas two years ago (I've been a little busy with a newborn haha). The book is Wise as FU*K - Simple Truths to Guide You Through the Sh*tstorms of Life by Gary John Bishop. Gary has also written another book called UNFU*K YOURSELF. If you don't know me very well, I enjoy a book with some cursing. If you're ever looking for what to buy me for Christmas, you can't go wrong with a book that says Fuck in the title haha.
In this book, Gary talks about love, loss, fear and success. He also has specific sections on "the wisdom" of these things. So naturally, I skipped ahead to the loss section.
Throughout the last month, I have heard a never ending variation of the same phrase over and over again: "You're so strong, Lydia". Now, I will admit that it is nicer than the normal phrase that people say when someone dies: "I'm so sorry", but it still had me feeling some way.
When people are admiring my strength in dealing with the loss of my brother, it makes me scratch my head. Well of course I have to be strong. I don't really have the luxury of being able to fall apart -- I have bills to pay and a family to look after. Not to mention that it would be super uncomfortable for everyone if they had to be constantly greeted by my tears. It never really occurred to me that there could be any other way to be when experiencing the loss of someone. Cue the teachings in Gary's book...
There were SO many quotes I want to pull out of his book but I'll start with this one: "You can always choose to engage with loss in such a way that it empowers you rather than smothers you".
"You can always choose to engage with loss in such a way that it empowers you rather than smothers you".
Whoa. Read that again.
Loss is a tricky thing. Often times, it can feel all encompassing. It can feel like nothing will ever be the same again...and in some cases, it might never be. But as Gary mentions, there can also be another way to deal with loss -- a way that empowers you.
He says, "It's not about overcoming loss, it's about repositioning it, of allowing it to settle into the background of your life and occasionally surface to remind you of who you are and who you've been".
"It's not about overcoming loss, it's about repositioning it, of allowing it to settle into the background of your life and occasionally surface to remind you of who you are and who you've been".
This spoke to me on such a deep level. After the death of my father, it took me a long time to get to this place -- the place I feel like I am now about my brother. With my dad, I focused so much on the should haves, could haves, and would haves of his death that it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer physically here but that he is not really gone. He (his memory) will live on in me (and everyone who knew him). He will only cease to be when I (or those who knew him) die.
Gary mentions this too, but I will mention it as well, there is no set amount of time that it will take someone to grieve their loss. No one can tell you when that will be -- only you can. But, and this is the most important piece, there does become a time where the grief you feel is going beyond its usefulness and is becoming more of a hindrance to your life. You need to identify this point for yourself and make a decision of what you will do next -- ideally doing work on yourself to relocate this loss within your life.
So I know what you're probably thinking now -- so how do you do that, Lydia? Well, my friends, Gary has three fundamentals that I will share that I have in my own toolkit after dealing with the death of my father.
#1: The only stuff you can't get over is the stuff you're holding on to.
Whoa, what? This one can be a little prickly to read and admit to ourselves, but it is so true. When I think about my dad, I am "over" his death because I am no longer holding onto my feelings about what I could have or should have done. It's been 8 years since my dad passed but I have come to terms with the fact that he isn't physically here anymore but that he does live on in me and how I choose to live my life every day going forward. Which brings us to the second...
#2:Today is also one of those days you'll never get back.
When you're in the trenches of grief and of dealing with all your feelings, it's easy to get stuck there. It's easy to let days and weeks, months and years go by stuck in the same place. But like the fundamental says, even though they're gone, you're not. You're still here and you have a choice of how you will live your life going forward.
When I think of the family I have lost (and how they have gone at such young ages -- my dad at 50 and my brother at 31), I understand that life can be over in an instant. I don't want to waste my life feeling sad or in a perpetual state of wondering what could have been. I want to live for today and all the days I have the privilege of living. But even though I know all that, it's good to remind myself that...
#3: It's ok you're overwhelmed. It's appropriate, not permanent.
The last fundamental is where I am right now. I am not yet at the stage I am with my dad's passing. I am not "over" the death of my brother. For me, it's still fresh and I'm still working through those feelings day by day. Some days, it is super overwhelming and feels like I have a weight on my shoulders. This fundamental reminds me that it's appropriate for me to feel what I'm feeling -- and that it's ok. I should allow myself to feel what I feel and remember that, just like my dad, I will eventually get to a place where I've accepted it and relocated that loss within my life. Right now, that's not today and right now, that's ok.
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Have you ever read Wise as FU*K - Simple Truths to Guide You Through the Sh*tstorms of Life by Gary John Bishop? I would love to hear your thoughts on his section about loss (I have yet to read the others but will be doing so shortly!).
Have you lost someone close to you? How do you feel about the fundamentals shared? Anything you would add?