Tomorrow marks an important milestone in my life — my first Mother’s Day. I have a weird time saying that because of the fact that I have a wonderful stepson for whom I have cared for for many years. Although I already feel like I’ve been a mom for as long as I have been in his life, this will be the first time that I don’t have to share this day with his biological mom (because even though I understood it before, after experiencing birth, I totally get it now). Maybe that makes me selfish, but I feel as though having one day where you are celebrated is important when most of motherhood feels pretty selfless. So on my first Mother’s Day, I wanted to share the things that I wish had been shared with me, before I became a mom.
The first couple of weeks after you bring home that baby from the hospital will be hard.
I know that not every pregnancy/postpartum journey is the same, however, the crazy hormones in the weeks after giving birth seem to be pretty consistent. These hormones can lead to a lot of feelings — confusion, stress, worry, dread, happiness, and everything in between. I wish that someone told me that I might have some really strong feelings when I come home and that it’s normal to feel that way. By normalizing the rollercoaster of emotions, this will open up conversation to let moms know that it’s ok to reach out if those emotions go into extremely dark territory — postpartum depression and anxiety are real and should not be suffered through in silence.
Your relationships will change.
This could be your relationship with your partner, your children, your own parents/your in laws, your friends and, most importantly, with yourself. These changes could be for the better or worse — becoming a mom rocks your world and brings a new perspective that will sometimes alter the dynamics of your relationships with others. I wish that someone prepared me for this fact so that I could have appreciated these relationships a little more before the arrival of my baby. Relationships in motherhood are super important but maintaining them has to become way more intentional than it was in the past — especially when most of, if not all of, your attention is focused on keeping your baby happy and healthy. Treasure the friends/family who understand this and who continue to reach out, even when you feel like you’ve been ignoring their texts/phone calls because you are busy (or have mom brain and responded to them in your head — sorry, friends).
You will miss your pre-baby body and life and that’s ok.
This one is both a little vain and not. Vain, in the way that you might wish you were still the size you were before you had a baby — that your body didn’t have the “evidence”, if you will, of the fact that you carried and birthed a baby (be that a C-section scar, stretch marks, loose skin and loss of core strength). Not vain, in the way that your feelings of “missing” are really about the conflict of your identities — the person you were before you became a mom and the person you feel like you need to become. I say “feel like you need to become” because there is so much noise when you become a mom. There are so many opinions of what you should or shouldn’t do and this can be hard to grapple with. What I wish someone told me is that I need to block out all this noise and understand that this new identity does not erase my old one. Yes, there will be things I cannot bring with me into this current phase of my life (like sleeping in — RIP), but that I should look within myself to decide what I am bringing with me from that identity into my new one and to know that I write the rules of what my motherhood identity will look like — and that it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s (and I shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone but myself).
Regardless of how you raise your child, outside influence will always feel like you’re not doing enough.
Social media will ALWAYS make you feel like you’re falling short of what you should be doing as a mom. The advice of friends and family might make you second guess your decisions (especially as a first time mom). Queue the mom guilt. What I wish someone told me was to mute the heck out of accounts or add boundaries or distance yourself from people who make you feel this way BUT to do some work behind the scenes with yourself of WHY whatever you saw or the advice you were given felt so triggering. Doing this inner child work will help you to be a better version of you for you and ultimately for your child.
As hard as it might be, try to stay in the present moment and experience it as it’s happening.
I’m so guilty of this one. As a new mom, you’re so caught up in trying to document everything, research everything and prepare for the upcoming milestones. What I wish someone would have told me was that I was going to get caught in this trap (most parents do) but that when I notice it, that I should find a way to ground myself and come back to the present moment. So many people give the advice of “enjoy every moment” but a lot of motherhood is not enjoyable and this could make you feel like you’re falling short. So rather than saying that cliche line, say “find a way to keep yourself in the present moment”. That’s what you’re really trying to say anyways.
Motherhood (or parenting in general) is the hardest job in the world. If you’ve ever seen that viral video where people are interviewing for the role and it turns out to be for the role of “mom” that before finding out what the job was, most people would not take it and thought the interviewer was crazy for even offering it. Watching that video now, as a mom, hits differently. I knew motherhood would be hard, but I didn’t understand how hard. I knew it would be worth it, but I didn’t understand how much my heart would expand to make space for this little one. I knew that it would give me a new perspective, but I didn’t understand how drastically my priorities would change (especially since I already felt like they did because I was already a mom to my stepson). I’m a big advocate of listening to yourself and following your own lead when it comes to parenting so if I can leave you with any advice it is this, you have everything you need to raise your child — as long as you give them love and comfort, I promise you that’s enough.
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Now I want to hear from you — If you’re a mom reading this, I want to know what else you would add to this list. If you’re pregnant and reading this, let me know if this was helpful. In either case, Happy Mother’s Day to you, mama!